20 Things Fred and George Are Not Allowed To Do
by RainbowRepublic
Summary: Fred and George "find" a list of things that Percy says they are not allowed to do. However, rules are meant to be broken. JKR's Characters! Contains: a bothered Snape, awkward confessions, and GNOMES!
1. The List

**Hello, lovelies! I went to see HP and the Deathly Hallows P2 again, so I had another inspirational blast. Last time I wrote an angsty Fred/George (which you should read if you have the time) so I thought I should counter it with a humorous one. This will have chapters! Read on!**

_**Third Person POV **_

"Fred! George!" called a plump, ginger woman from the kitchen of their dangerously unstable looking yet cozy home.

"Yes, Mum?" the twins answered innocently at the same time. Their mother had sensed the mischievousness that laced their voices, but she chose not to question them. She would without doubt find out sooner or later.

"Go get Percy for me. He's been in his room all day." she said, hoping they wouldn't argue. As a mother, she thought all her children were wonderful. However, as a mother she also knew that they could be little devils, tyrants of a miniature size. Percy, for example, was quite a dreadful conversationalist and harder to motivate than a sloth. Fred and George, the twins, were relentless pranksters who also happened to be irritatingly witty arguers.

"Of course, Mum." came the reply. She could almost _see _the smile in their voices. She could feel it in her old, motherly bones. Something was going to happen soon.

Upstairs, a young red-headed boy was asleep next to piles of monotonous paperwork. Oblivious to the sound of his younger brothers entering his room, he let out a snore.

"Merlin, that must have been some paperwork to put _Percy_ to sleep." said one to the other. He peered over his sleeping brother's head to pull out a sheet of paper.

"Hey, that's not work at all!" said the other, grabbing the parchment. "Blimey, this must have taken all his creativity for they day! No wonder he's out like a baby unicorn!" Pocketing the paper, he signaled to his twin.

"OI! PERCY, WAKE UP!" they shouted directly into his ear. They knew that Percy was a light sleeper and only a tap on his shoulder was really necessary to wake him up, but what would be the fun in that?

"BLOODY HELL!" Percy shrieked as he fell backwards from his stool.

"Hey, that's Ron's line." one of the twins quipped as Percy glared at him.

"Get out!" he barked. Fred and George complied. Giggling like lunatics all the way to their room, they shouted at their mother to tell her that Percy was awake. Locking the door, the twin named Fred pulled Percy's parchment out of his pocket.

"Well? Come on then! What's he written?" questioned George as Fred unfolded it slowly. Clearing his throat, Fred began to read.

_20 Things Fred and George Are Not Allowed To Do._

_Attempt to contact the Marauders from the grave by holding a séance in Professor Trelawney's room._

_Kidnap the garden gnomes and teach them to sing A Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love at the most uncomfortable times._

_Ask if any of the potions in Professor Snape's class can be used as a sexual lubricant._

_Pretend to flirt with Harry and then come out to the whole school saying you are "gay"._

_At Christmas dinner, make an announcement saying Fred is pregnant… and George is the father._

_Mix a love potion that will make Ron fall in love with Harry into his pumpkin juice and then make Hermione baby-sit them._

_Lock Ron in a closet and make a house-elf from the kitchens replace him in all his classes. _

_Give Dobby a sock and tell him that Professor Snape has the other one._

_Charm Harry's glasses to make it seem like he is always sleeping._

_Curse Ginny's boyfriend to so he bursts out in that embarrassing new dance called "the rabid house-elf"._

_Place a charm on the back of Malfoy's quidditch robes so that to everyone but him they say __**Malfoy: Seeker/ Amazing Bouncing Ferret**__._

_Give Professor Snape a haircut while he's sleeping._

_Tell the first years that Professor Dumbledore used to be a member of the Weird Sisters._

_Write Gred and Forge on all of your papers._

_Tell Professor Dumbledore that you find long beards extremely erotic and then proceed to stroke it. _

_Give a house-elf blond hair and tell everyone the Malfoy's had another kid… and he looks just like his brother._

_Whenever someone asks you where something is, tell them that it is "up their arse and around the corner"._

_Let your entire stock of pygmy puffs loose in Professor Snape's private quarters._

_Push Malfoy into the lake and say the Giant Squid needed a friend._

_Interrupt Professor McGonagall in class and suggestively ask if she and Professor Dumbledore have anything "going on"._

"Merlin." was all George could manage to say. He was so sure that Percy's brain had blocked off all things creative ever since the age of seven. He looked at Fred, both of them thinking the same thing. Rules are meant for breaking.

**This was so much fun to write! Yes, I am going to make a chapter for each of these things Fred and George are not allowed to do. Reviews are known to make me jump around in joy, and I am in the mood for jumping right now. I will reply to reviews! Love you! By the way, check out my other stories! Please?**

**RainbowRepublic**


	2. Elfweird

**Back with another chapter just like I said. Who got on Pottermore? It took a while, but I finally did it. Now, let's get on with some Fred and George mischief. **

_Attempt to contact the Marauders from the grave by holding a séance in Professor Trelawney's room._

"Ron… RON! Wake up, you prat!" Fred yelled into his youngest brother's ear. Ron was the opposite of Percy. He could sleep like a troll. Well, without all the grunting noises.

"Mummy, stop it. I didn't wet the bed." he mumbled before turning around and grabbing a pillow to cover his ear with. George snorted before roughly pulling the blanket from Ron's bed. He sat straight up and pulled the best glare he could.

"WHAT THE… wait, what the bloody hell are you wearing?" he questioned. It was a legitimate question to ask considering that standing in front of him were two men wearing their dress robes and wizarding masks (which are quite different from muggle ones as they can contort to fit your face perfectly as you talk, or in this case smile) depicting Celestina Warbeck and a garden gnome with tufts of ginger hair coming out the top. Standing behind them was a bloke in his pajamas and a mask with Dumbledore's face on it and unruly black coming out the top. On the other side of his bed were Seamus Finnigan, Lee Jordan, Neville Longbottom, and Dean Thomas. They didn't have masks, but they were standing nearly starkers in underwear that had multi-colored eyeballs on them.

"Ronnie, it's _magical _clothing. Here, put this on." Fred couldn't hold his laughter in any longer when his twin handed Ron a bundle of clothes wrapped in brown paper. Ron's eyes nearly popped out of his head when he saw what it was.

"Why? What are you going to do to me? Where are we going? Harry, stop laughing!" he said, pointing to Harry- err, Dumbledore. This only made him fall to his knees, roaring with laughter. Ron looked at Fred and George.

"I don't care what we're doing, but I'm not wearing this. Why can't I have a mask or something?" he said, looking at his "magical clothing" with disgust. They were his dress robes, the same one's he had worn to the Yule Ball even though they had smelled suspiciously like his Great-Aunt Tessie.

"You don't look like a twat in a mask, do you? Besides, the age could help with what we're doing." George explained as Ron grudgingly stood up and pulled on his robes.

"Then why are those lot in their underwear?" he asked with envy. It was a rather hot night and he would much rather be in his underwear than in this mess of ribbon and lace.

"Because they don't have a Great-Aunt Tessie." the twins replied together.

_10 Minutes Later_

"Professor Trelawney's room? But you don't even take that class!" Ron complained. It was blisteringly hot underneath the layers of his outdated dress robes and he didn't hesitate to tell the group at every chance. It had only been ten minutes and he had probably complained at least thirty times.

"Shut it! We need to get there to make this work, but we can't do that if Filch finds us!" Fred whispered.

You keep saying "what we're doing" or "make this work"," Harry said, speaking for the first time that night, "But what _are_ we doing?"

"Knowing Fred and George, this can't be good." Dean whispered into Neville's ear. He nodded.

"Are there going to be girls there?" Seamus asked eagerly.

"I hope not." Ron and Neville said simultaneously.

"Quite, you lot. We're almost there." George said impatiently. Under regular circumstances, he and Fred could navigate the castle without anyone even knowing they were out of bed. However, the peanut gallery in the back made it difficult to even turn a corner without a painting or another glancing their way. Doesn't matter anymore, though, because the door was only a couple of meters away. He and Fred had been here nearly two hours earlier to set things up. He motioned to Fred, who in turn opened the door.

"Where did this table come from? Is that a skull?" Ron exclaimed as George closed the door.

"Yes. It's fresh from the kitchens. House-elves are more than happy to offer their services." Fred said looking devilishly at Ron. It was true, for the most part. The skull was a candle that the elves had made for the duo earlier this morning, but Ron didn't need to know that. George rolled his eyes.

"Ok, lot, we have called you here during the wee hours of the morning so that you could experience something magical with us." George whispered in a dramatic voice.

"Um, excuse me? We go to Hogwarts. Every bloody day is _magical_." Ron interrupted. George shrugged.

"What you are about to witness is even more magical than what goes on in this magical school of ours." He continued.

"We are bringing the Marauders back." he and Fred said excitedly. Everyone else looked at each other for an answer. George looked flabbergasted,

"Come on! They are only the most wonderful, brilliant, creative, resourceful-"he said, getting interrupted by Fred.

"Handsome, rogue, sexiest pranksters that ever lived! Aside from us, of course." Fred finished with a dramatic wink at Harry. He looked flustered and embarrassed, and he was most likely blushing under the mask.

"Prongs, Moony, Wormtail, and Padfoot were some of the greatest beings to ever live, right next to Erg the Ugly and Kreature." they continued with admiration.

"That's good and gravy, but how do you suppose you'll bring them back?" Dean said impatiently. Fred and George looked at each other.

"We're holding a séance, and you're all invited." they said, whispering dramatically. Everyone looked at each other. The strange décor made a lot more sense now, but there was still one question.

"Why are we doing this in Professor Trelawney's room?" Ron asked.

"The spirits are easier to reach from here." Fred lied swiftly. He and George actually had no clue why Percy specifically didn't want them to do it in this room.

"All right, first things first. Are there any non-believers present?" George asked. The boys rolled their eyes.

"After years of hanging around Nearly Headless Nick and attending his "Death Day Parties" one tends to believe in ghosts." Harry said.

"Right, just following the rules. Ok, lets see… the tables are covered with white table cloth, there are 6 candles on the table, the recording charm is on when Fred decides to turn it on, ah, we need to light the incense candles." George said, going down the list.

"Err, I couldn't actually find any cinnamon or sandalwood or frankincense so I just got these." Fred said sheepishly as he handed George three long sticks. George sniffed cautiously at them.

"Is this just wood dipped in Ginny's perfume?" George asked. Fred nodded. "Oh well, it doesn't really make a difference." He lit the candles and put them on the table.

"Who wants to be the medium? Actually, Neville you just have to do it." George stated. Neville started to protest, but Fred made an offer he couldn't refuse.

"We'll get Hermione to do your potions essays for a month." he bargained. Neville nodded, not really wanting to know how they planned on doing that.

"Here, put on this hat!" George handed Neville a large purple turban. He looked quizzically at it before deciding it wasn't worth asking and just putting it on. Everyone stifled a giggle at his expense. George handed everyone either a red, green, or black candle.

"We nicked 'em from the Great Hall." George told everyone without them even asking.

"Aren't they supposed to have specific colors? White for peace and stuff like that?" Harry asked. Fred shrugged.

"Oops, didn't really pay attention to that bit." He said nonchalantly. Everyone joined their hand together anticipating what was going to come. George whispered something into Neville's ear. He cleared his throat and said,

"Ok, repeat after me. Our beloved err, Marauders, we ask that you commune with us and move among us."

"Our beloved Marauders, we ask that you commune with us and move among us." everyone repeated in unison.

"Again. Our beloved Marauders, we ask that you commune with us and move among us." Neville repeated.

"Our beloved Marauders, we ask that you commune with us and move among us."

"Our beloved Marauders, we ask that you commune with us and move among us."

"Our beloved Marauders, we ask that you commune with us and move among us." Suddenly, everyone felt a pull on their hair.

"It's all right, lot, this is normal." George reassured. Everyone's excitement was building. Neville seemed to be turning a peculiar shade of orange.

"All right, Neville?" Ron asked. Neville responded by opening his eyes wider. They were now a bright green color as opposed to their normal blue.

"I'm not Neville, you insolent twat. Nice robes by the way." he growled in a droopy, rakish voice.

"Hey now, Neville. Save the jokes to us." Fred said worriedly. How did Neville change his eye color like that? He had not read about that in the manual.

"I am not Neville. I am Sir Aelfweard Alvar de Porpington." he replied sourly.

"Hey, do you know Nearly Headless Nick?" Ron asked excitedly. Neville/the ghostly being shook his head.

"Ok then, you've had your fun. Get out of Neville's body. Go on now, shoo." Seamus said. Neville looked outraged.

"How dare you speak to me as though I am some incompetent fool!" he said. He stood up and went to stand in the corner. Ron spoke to the group.

"I think Neville's been possessed."

"No, really? Oi, Fred, was there anything about an exorcism in that manual?

"We are not holding an exorcism on Neville!"

"Aaw Harry, have some fun!"

"Let's go to Madame Pomfrey."

"This late at night? She's probably fast asleep, dear old Poppy."

"All those who vote to take Elfweird to Madame Pomfrey raise your hand." Five hands were raised. Seamus cast a spell on Neville/Elfweird that made him follow as though he were tied up.

"Let go of me! I demand you!" he protested. Seamus pulled harder. Fred and George led the way, waking up half the castle as they ran to tell Madame Pomfrey.

"OI POPPY, NEVILLE'S BEEN POSSESSED! GET OUT YOU EXORCISM TOOLS, HE'S A TOUGHY!" yelled George at the top of his lungs. Madame Pomfrey ran from the hospital wing in her nightclothes prepared to give out some severe detentions to the blasted Weasley twins, but she was greeted by a rabid Neville thrashing around as Seamus tried futilely to control him.

"Oh my, what have you done to him?" she said. Turning around to face Harry, she asked "Is he really possessed?"

"Well, err, he may be a tad bit. It's nothing you can't fix, right?" he chuckled nervously. She turned very pale, then red, then deep purple before finally returning to her normal color.

"OUT! Detention for _EACH _of you for the next two months! Oh, come here my poor boy." she said as she took Neville/Elfweird by the arm and dragged him to an empty bunk. Fred, George, Harry, Ron, Seamus, and Dean looked solemn as they walked back to the Gryffindor common room. Waiting by the Fat Lady was a furious looking Hermione. She threw a dirty look at Fred and George before taking Harry and Ron by the ear and dragging them inside.

"What on earth were you thinking? You could have gotten expelled!" she lectured as her voice grew softer and softer as she walked away with the boys in tow. Seamus and Dean followed, prepared for the howlers that would arrive at breakfast tomorrow. Fred pulled a folded parchment out of his pocket. George's eyes lit up and he asked

"What's next?"

**There you go! A nice, long chapter to entertain you until I can post another on. I will try to update at least once a week, but I'm not promising anything. School is starting in a week. Oh well, at least I can impress my English teacher with my more-than-expected yet not-that-good writing skills. Remember to review. The more reviews = the sooner I update.**


	3. Gnomes of Song

'**Ello, poppet. I know I said that I would try to update once a week, but I completely forgot how much work we have to do at school. One week in and I already have three projects to fill up my weekend. I will stay consistent with one thing, though. You can always expect my updates to be on a weekend. All right, enough with my blabber. On with the story!**

_Kidnap the garden gnomes and teach them to sing A Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love at the most uncomfortable times._

"OOW! You bloody potato, you bit me! FRED! HE BIT ME!"

"Oh, suck it up, Ron. We need at least five more gnomes."

"For what? You can't possibly expect me to sacrifice my fingers if you won't even tell me what it's for!"

"Look at Harry! He's looking for gnomes like a good child!"

"That's because you Silencio'd him!"

"And I can do the same to you. Work, slave." Fred was thoroughly enjoying his job as "slave master". It was 4:00 in the morning, too early for anyone but the clinically insane to be up. He and George had learned about a small gnome infestation that was troubling Hagrid, and being the wonderfully kind students they are, had volunteered their time and effort to help. Well, Harry and Ron's time anyways. George was carefully making rounds from the pumpkin patch to the boys' dormitory and taking each gnome carefully with him.

"EEEOOW!" screeched Ron as he yanked his hand out of the burrow he had been digging up. Attached to his forearm were two little, fat gnomes. Fred promptly took them from a thrashing Ron and squeezed them gently.

"AAAH!" screamed the bigger one.

"Hmm… a nice baritone. We could use you." He turned to the other one.

"What's wrong with you?" he asked, bringing the wriggling potato up to eye level.

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? Put me down you bleeding pile of bollocks! I can't believe you have to nerve…" she squeaked. Fred smiled.

"A soprano! Perfect, we're done!" he yelled to the boys who were digging. He lifted the silencio spell off of Harry and ran away, giggling like a fool. Harry and Ron turned to face each other.

"Those two are right nutters, aren't they?" Harry asked Ron. He nodded.

"We should probably go tell Neville."

_Up in the boys' dormitory…_

"OI, get off my finger, you bastard!" George yelled as he brandished his wand. All twelve gnomes lined up, muttering vulgar words under their breaths. Fred burst through the door, holding the she-gnome in front of him. The gnomes' eyes popped open.

"The best gnome gets her, got it?" he bargained.

"Honestly, how did Percy think of this? It's brilliant. Combine the atrocity of the song and the horrific sound of the gnomes' voice, and we can take over the whole bloody school!" George said excitedly as one of his eyes twitched. Fred just stared.

"You ok, mate? Do you want to lie down?" he asked.

"NO! I mean, no! I'm fine, see?" he attempted to do a cartwheel using just his thumb. He fell in a pile, laughing like a maniac. Fred roared with laughter.

"They made you crazy! Ha, you're CRAZY!" he shouted in a voice that sounded distant. It seemed as though madness was starting to flow through his veins like blood, radiating from his many gnome bites. He could no longer remember what Hagrid had said about gnome venom.

"C'mon! We have to teach our lovely guests their song! We're chorus directors now, Freddie." George giggled. Standing up on his feet, and then falling down again, and then lifting himself up again before approaching the gnomes, he pulled out some sheet music.

"Read, read my lovelies! Then we will sing to yonder hill!" Fred sang. Altogether, they sang.

"Oh, come and stir my cauldron, and if you do it right…" sang the angelic chorus. Well, angelic to themselves.

"We must practice all night!" said George happily. And practice all night they did.

_The next morning…_

"Ugh, what time is it?" grumbled Fred. He felt hung-over, more than he ever had before.

"One o'bloody clock. Where the hell are the gnomes?" asked George from the other side of the room. Fred looked around.

"Somewhere they ought to not be." he griped. George moaned. Getting up, he found a hangover potion in their secret stock.

"Will it work for gnome venom?" asked Fred. George shrugged. Tipping his head, he drank the whole thing in one gulp. He shuddered.

"Yup, it works." he said, gagging. Fred took the other bottle and drank its contents. He felt his migraine soften and the cotton remove itself from his mouth.

"I'm going to the bathroom." he said, yawning. George nodded.

In the bathroom, Fred was washing his face with cold water. He looked at his face and sighed. The hangover potion had cured his red eyes, but the dark circles and hair that was standing up from its roots was incurable.

"Oh come and stir my cauldron, and if you do it right…" sang a choir from under the sink. Fred jumped. Peeking down, he saw all twelve of his gnomes lined up from shortest to tallest with the she-gnome in front.

"Hey, George! Come here, and bring a box!" he yelled out the door.

"What do you need a box for? Are those our gnomes?" he said while setting the box down. The surprisingly obedient gnomes assembled themselves inside and continued their song.

"What classes do we have left for today?" Fred asked. They had missed nearly half their lessons and all of lunch. Thankfully, the hangover potion made it nearly impossible to even think about food.

"We're in luck. Potions starts in an hour." George said.

"We may be able to kill two birds with one stone this time, Georgie. What was next on the list?" Fred asked. George pulled out a crumpled piece of parchment. Chuckling, he said,

"Ask if any of the potions in Snape's class can be used as a lube."

**I am truly sorry about this chapter. I have a terrible headache but I had to update to tell all of you about my current school predicament. Also, I was asked a question about the name of the spirit that possessed Neville last chapter. His name, Aelfweard, means something like guardian of the elves. It's an actual old English name. I can only assume from experience with my friends (many of whom are teenage boys) that they would take it to be Elfweird. Please, please oh please review. It **_**might **_**just make me pick up my laptop to write a little faster. Then, we can get to that 4****th**** thing on the list that everyone's been waiting for.**

**RainbowRepublic**


	4. Numbness Solution

**Ah, good morning to you, darling. I missed a weekend, I know. Don't nag me. I had to type up many an essay last week, so I just couldn't bring myself to open up my notebook and write anything down. Oh excuses excuses. **

_**Part 2 of rule number 2 and rule number 3**_

Silence. No, things are never silent in this cold dungeon that was almost always filled with incompetent fools. Slytherins, with their snobby attitudes, always ready to prove that their potion was indeed a much brighter malachite than their partners. Gryffindors, the loud boisterous bunch who showed no desire to relent in their constant yelling and shouting over the bubbling of their incomplete potions. Ravenclaws, arguers of impossible wit, incredibly clever when they decide you are wrong. Which, of course, you most certainly are. Hufflepuffs, who can't even mix blue and red to get purple on a good day.

Quiet. That is much better adjective. Over the light murmuring of his students, the Potions master could actually hear the sound of their mixture of cow ear and shredded goat horns bubbling and mixing together. This was strange for a double Potions class; especially, double Potions with Gryffindor and Slytherin. Something felt missing, but he could not rack his brains enough to remember who or what it was. A student, perhaps? Not unlikely, for neither he nor any teacher at Hogwarts ever took roll. Skipping classes was very common, and every teacher was fully aware of it.

Taking advantage of the fact that he was actually able to hear his own thoughts, Professor Snape set out on the arduous task of grading essays. He was the one who assigned them, so he was in no place to complain.

_F. Do they even try anymore? C-. Could be better. A. Very nice, Ms. Granger. _He thought as he wrote corrections with his trusty red quill.

BAM! The door flew open to reveal two red haired lunatics, robes looking disheveled and a big box in their arms.

"Mr. and Mr. Weasley. Detentions for both of you. Would you prefer cleaning the trophy room or reorganizing my personal cupboard?" asked Professor Snape in an almost bored voice. He had learned long ago that anger only fueled the duo.

"Cleaning the trophy room." They shrugged. Sitting down, the one on the left pulled out the box he had been carrying and set it down on the desk.

"What do you think that is?" Professor Snape asked one of those voices that say "I really don't want to know, just get it the hell out of my classroom".

"A box." they answered nonchalantly.

"What is you box doing in my class?" he asked, getting mad. How could they be so disrespectful? And more importantly, why weren't they being as disrespectful as they normally are?

"Sitting on a desk. Really Professor, what more can a box do?" the one on the right questioned.

"It can come with me and sit forever in my drawer of confiscated items." the professor replied smugly. That shut the twins up, though under normal circumstances they would have fired back with an even feistier response.

"Now, back to our potions. You should have finished steps one and two of part one, now copy down the directions of part three and four. No talking is allowed." He said to the class. His eyes bore hole straight through the Weasley's heads at the last line, but they were just concentrating on their notebooks. Something was definitely about to happen soon.

"Professor, excuse me. I have come across something I don't fully understand. Could you clarify it for me?" came a voice from one of the rows up students. Expecting it to be Charles Moonstone, the class know-it-all that wasn't quite that bright, he looked up. Instead of meeting a pair of curious brown eyes, he found himself looking into two mischievous blue ones.

"Yes, I am afraid I am having this problem as well, Professor. What exactly are we making?" asked the other twin.

"For those who can not bother themselves to arrive to class on time, let me repeat myself. We are making Numbness Solution, a relatively easy potion that is extremely slippery but nonetheless very effective. It soothes any pain from any injury except for dragon bites or gnome saliva venom." he said, barely bothering to look up. If he had looked up, he would have seen the two boys look at each other with knowing smiles.

"If it is as slippery as you say it is, could you answer a very simple question for us, Professor?" said one twin.

"Yes, it has been bothering us for _ages_" added his brother from the right. Professor Snape arched one eyebrow.

"Go on." he said.

"Well, we were wondering if maybe…" said the one on the left.

"The Numbness Solution can be used as a lubricant." finished the one on the right. The professor's eyes bulged from his head. A vein was throbbing in his neck as he shouted bloody murder at the boys in front of him who simple wanted to ask a question.

"I WILL ALLOW THIS INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR IN MY CLASS! Take your vulgarity and this note to Professor McGonagall and hope to whichever god or devil you believe in that she doesn't expel you! OUT!" he yelled as the whole class held in fits of laughter. Of course they had an evil master plan ready. The one on the left, who may or may not have been Fred, opened the box on his way out the door. As he exited, the entire dungeon chamber echoed with the sounds of awful screeching, the sound of gnome song.

"Oh, won't you stir my cauldron, and if you do it right…" the song faded at the end as the trouble-making pair walked out with their choir of gnomes. The class could not contain their giggles and erupted into roaring laughter. Even Professor Snape's mouth twitched a little at the edges, but for a completely different reason.

'_Good luck, Minerva. They're your problem now' _he thought as he threatened detentions to those students who still had not found it in them to hold their giggles.

Somewhere en route to the dreaded office of Professor Minerva McGonagall, George turned to Fred.

"That was excellent! But really, are we going to barge into Minnie's office with a bunch of loud, pestering gnomes? I feel as though we've made that entrance before." he said, glancing at the gnomes.

"You're right. I say we leave 'em here for Filchy to find later. You know, to brighten up his day." Fred replied.

"That's a brilliant idea. You know what else we can do? Stop by and visit our dear old friend Harry after we finish with Minnie." George said, looking at Percy's parchment to see what the next rule was.

"Genius, George. C'mon, I don't think we've ever held hands and skipped into her Chamber of Torture- err, office before." Fred said as he linked his hands into his twins and they skipped off to their impending doom

**Ow, my head hurts. I typed this up in one hour, and it's not my best. I'm going to go take some asprin and maybe go to bed. THE REVIEW MONSTER IS HUNGRY, TIME FOR YOU TO FEED HIM!**

**RainbowRepublic**


	5. Off the Market

**Hello, people of Fanfiction. I am here to give you your chapter, but I have something important to say as well. Read the author's note at the end of the chapter, mmkay? **

**THIS CHAPTER IS NOT MEANT TO BE OFFENSIVE TO ANYONE IN ANY WAY!**

"And if you ever, and I mean _ever_ talk inappropriately to another teacher, I will find it in my cold heart to expel the two of you with great glee." Professor McGonagall said as she finished her lecture to the increasingly bored twins sitting in front of her.

"Really, Minnie, how on earth will you ever replace the most amazing beaters in the history of Gryffindor house?" Fred asked as if it were a very serious question.

"Fred, you two _were_ the replacement for the most amazing beaters in the history of Gryffindor house. Ah, I can remember them as if it were yesterday. Hestia Jones and Relmada Druis, the most the most coordinated, flawless, beautiful-"she was cut of by an amused laugh.

"Until we broke their noses and demanded that you make us replace them. Good times, Minnie, good times. Enough nostalgia though, as we seem to be running late for lunch. May we leave, dear madam?" George questioned in a very proper tone, as though he were talking to the Minister of Magic.

"Absolutely not. You are going to go back to the common room and clean the mess that is in there. Do not give me that look. I know there is a mess in there, there is always a mess in there." she said in a commanding tone. After many years of living under her, the boys had learned to obey their Head of House. Well, most of the time. Actually, this might be a first.

"Yes, Professor McGonagall. We apologize, Professor McGonagall. Please forgive us, Professor McGonagall. We have sinned, Professor Mc-" they said in a chant. Honestly, when do they get the time to rehearse this stuff? Between pulling pranks and smart-mouthing professors, they seem to be very busy boys.

"OUT! The common room better be _sparkling_ by the time I arrive! Do you understand? _SPARKLING!"_ she yelled out the door as the boys ran out, sniggering like fools.

"Indeed it will be. Do you have the glitter, Fred?" George asked in a devilish tone.

"Of course I do, George. Hey, have you ever wondered how Minnie can tell us apart?" he answered.

"Obviously, it's because I'm the more handsome one." George answered instantly. Anyone watching this banter would have thought it was prepared beforehand, but the twins were thinking of it off the tops of their heads.

The brothers continued their friendly arguing until they reached the portrait of the Fat Lady outside of the Gryffindor common room. Inside, they could hear someone repeatedly banging his or her head against the wall.

"Be careful, boys, he's had a rough day. Don't do anything too silly." warned the Fat Lady as the crawled through the hole. Fred and George looked at each other. They didn't even have to ask who "he" was; it looked like they wouldn't have to sneak their way to the Great Hall after all.

The common room looked like it always had. Hideously messy, strangely roomy, and cozy as hell. There was a pile of homework sitting in a corner, stools propped up against the scarlet and gold wall, a butterbeer stain on the sofa, a suspicious box in the corner, a musty odor in the air, and a raging boy pounding away at the wall in a corner. Fred and George took a seat on the sofa. They crossed their legs and combed their hair quickly with their fingers before clearing their throats in unison. Harry looked up.

"Err, how long have you been sitting there?" he asked awkwardly. George arched his eyebrow.

"Long enough to see that you need some help. Come on, sit between and tell us all about it." he said in a slightly higher pitched voice than his own. Harry hesitated when he heard the change in his tone and his bizarre sitting position, but he must have decided it was fine because he took a seat right in between the twins.

"Now, tell me what's wrong. It's alright, handsome; you know you can tell us _anything_." George drawled. Harry looked at him with strange eyes, but started on his tale anyway.

"Err, Ron was kind of being an arse, umm, and he told Ginny that I, um, what are you doing?" he jumped up and turned beet pink. Fred had started drawing lines on his face while George was dramatically clutching his chest and patting Harry's shoulder at the same time.

"Nothing, love. We are just trying to help." Fred said innocently. Harry blushed harder and stammered out an excuse to leave. As soon as he was out of earshot, Fred fell down on the heavily carpeted floor in laughter.

"Did you see his face? DID YOU _SEE _HIS FACE?" he roared as he rolled on the rug. George got up and headed to the portrait hole.

"I'm more excited to see his face at dinner tonight. Are you coming, or are you just planning on dying of laughter?" he asked.

Sometime between giggles, Fred said "the latter, please" and resumed his rolling of the floor. George rolled his eyes as he went to Hermione's Herbology class to bother her about the spell for instantly cleaning a room. And maybe a spell for curing insanity, as well.

_Dinner that night…_

"And that is why, students, we will never, _ever_ cook hippogriff meat on the second floor again." said Professor Dumbledore as he finished his tale. The students, who had been staring at him in a mesmerized trance, wiped the drool from their chins and continued eating their desert.

"Is there anything anybody would like to say before we all head off to a night of sleeping and studying for those who have procrastinated and have just remembered they have an essay due tomorrow?" he asked. It was a routine thing, any as far as they could remember, no one had ever had anything to say. There is a first for everything.

"We do, Professor." The twins said together. All of a sudden, all eyes were on them. Harry looked terrified at what they had to say.

"We are tired of hiding from girls who want to take us to dances. Sorry, ladies, but these fine specimens are for looking, not touching. Why? Because we are off the ladies market and have joined the group of single men who have naughty fantasies for other men." George said. This had actually been rehearsed, but that didn't matter. All that either of the twins cared about was Harry. Oh, Harry. The boy looked slightly purple, more so now that Fred had winked extremely dramatically at him and _everyone_ had seen it. It took all of their limited self-control not to laugh out loud. Harry's mouth opened and closed like a fish while George raised his eyebrows suggestively at him. He looked just about to explode when Ron finally realized what was going on.

"Wait a minute. Are you saying that you have become gay _overnight _and now you all of a sudden fancy Harry? Harry Potter? You _fancy _Harry Potter?" he said loudly over and over again. Fred and George pretended to look horrified.

"Who told you? It was a secret, Harry!" they shouted as the quickly ran as fast as possible away from the Great Hall as they could before bursting out in uncontrollable laughter.

"You… he looked like a… did you see his… and then Ron was like…" they barely got out before everything the said wasn't even coherent anymore.

They both took a full ten minutes to calm down. They knew that everyone was talking about them in the Great Hall, but they couldn't go back after their ending finale to their spectacular performance. Harry had most likely fainted by now.

"Oh my. It is going to take us forever to come up with something to top that." Fred said as he pulled out the crumpled piece of parchment and ticked off number four on the list.

"How did Percy come up with this?" George questioned. They both shrugged.

"Maybe he was high!" they said together. Who's to say he wasn't?

**Alrighty then. That was something. My very important announcement was that I wrote another story. It's a one-shot that I co-wrote with some amazing writer who also happen to be very nice people. Go check it out, it's called Curiosity Killed His Innocence: Purrs of Desire. **

**One more thing. I am planning on doing a spin-off story of this fic, and I need help deciding whether to do a one-shot of what went down when Fred and George got to Minnie's office or why no one is allowed to cook hippogriff meat on the second floor. PM me or something telling me what you would like to read. **

**RainbowRepublic**


	6. Part I: Preparation

**Err… hi! You're looking gorgeous today, is that a new shirt? *nervous chuckle* So, I guess I'm back. You're really going to hate me for what's coming up next. You know how everybody was really excited for this chapter? Well… I'm splitting it into two parts. *ducks under chair* I am really, truly sorry, it's just that I had too many ideas and it just seemed to work better as two separate chapters. SORRY.**

_At Christmas dinner, make an announcement saying Fred is pregnant… and George is the father. __**(Part I: Preparation)**_

The month before Christmas holidays are the most agonizing days in any wizard's youth. They go by dreadfully slow and are often packed with work that will be forgotten during the long awaited break. Professors, specifically greasy-haired Slytherin ones, take this time to assign essays that are due the next day_._ The library had never been so full, and Madame Pince had never looked so worried. She had seen the trouble-making twins enter her sanctuary, she had seen them talking amongst themselves, she had seen them pick a book off her shelf, and she had seen them sit down to read.

While the other students were fervently scribbling on their parchments and scrunching up their faces at the graphic pictures of the Tabum Dittany potion their relentless professor had assigned, the "Duo of Doom" was happily flipping through the pages of a neon orange book.

Now, Madame Pince had been working in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for over forty years. During that time she had never, ever seen anyone read the only neon orange book that was carried in the spacious library. If she had, the reader had at least been a scared-to-death female. The young men who were put in a situation where it was necessary to read a book like this one usually disapparated to a distant part of Siberia where they would change their names to Bogdan Sidorov and live happily among the wolves.

_Wizarding Pregnancies: the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly_ by Leoven Darzine is a staple in any home containing children, and Hogwarts is no exception. Occasionally, meaning once in fifty years or so, the book was read aloud to the children in the Great Hall, scarring them for life and ensuring that at least half the populous remain virgins for another six months.

The elderly librarian had yet to see two male students willingly reading the book and actually seeming to enjoy it. She had heard horror stories of what these two were capable of, and she contemplated telling Dumbledore. However, she knew they were somehow favorites of his and he would only tell her to let them be in some strange, vague manner. For now, she would re-alphabetize the books by color and watch this play out. What's the worse that could happen?

_Later that day in the boys' dormitories…_

"Did you see her watching us?" George asked as he pulled the book out of his bag.

"Of course. Maybe she'll tell the other professors and we'll get some pregnancy tests." Fred replied.

"Yeah, and Snape will dance around a fire singing 'Hallelujah' in his underwear." They looked at each other and shuddered at the mental image. Fred picked up the book and sat down on his bunk to read.

"It says that you should be 'glowing with beauty'. What the hell does that mean?" he asked.

"I don't suppose it has anything to do with glitter? You don't think women secretly use an internal Lumos charm, do they?" George asked, fascinated.

"What's an _internal_ Lumos charm?"

"Obviously, it means you light up from the inside."

"George, where do you stick your wand to light up from the inside?"

"Err…no where. I didn't say anything."

Throughout the night, the boys discovered strange symptoms of wizarding pregnancies. To pull this prank off, they realized they would need breasts, super glowing powers, and a big belly. George decided he would need a mustache to play the part of the father. They also needed to ask Hermione what "glowing with beauty" meant, but George was 95.8% sure it was an internal glowing charm.

_Gryffindor common room…_

"Oi, Hermione! There's our favorite girl." George said as he ruffled her hair from behind. Startled, she dropped her books.

"Here, let me pick those up for you." said Fred, running down the stairs and grabbing the books.

"What do you want? I refuse to do any more homework for you Weasleys, I swear you're all so…" she trailed off.

"Handsome? Intelligent? Kind? Daring? Stunning?" George picked up.

"Manipulative. Now, give me my books back." she commanded in a do-not-mess-with-me-I-can-hex-your-ass-off voice.

"What's a beautiful girl like you doing carrying all those books?" Fred asked in a suggestive tone. She blushed, but narrowed her eyes.

"Give. Me. My. Books." She said in a tone that rivaled McGonagall's.

"I don't think we will. What do you say, George?"

"I don't know, Freddie. Maybe she should answer a question and earn her books back."

"That seems like a dandy fine idea to me, brother."

Hermione was getting pissed. She had been having a relatively nice day: her Potions essay had been finished early, she hadn't seen Malfoy all day, and she and Ron weren't fighting. Now, she was one comment away from hexing their sorry arses into next week.

"What's your damn question?" she snapped.

"Ooh, feisty. Me-a like!" Fred smirked. Hermione raised her eyebrow.

"I thought you were playing for the other team now?" she asked, stifling a giggle.

"Oh…err, well…" he stammered. He had never been out-witted before. Dammit, he was Fred Freakin' Weasley! He was the King of Jests, the Wittiest of Wits!

"Oh, poor Harry! He will be heartbroken when he finds out!" she continued. Fred looked at her in shock. _Sarcasm? _That was supposed to be a foreign concept to dear old bookworm 'Mione!

As Fred stood there gaping like an idiot, George swooped out to rescue him.

"We were simply trying to seduce you for your knowledge, m'dear. So… how about that question?" he asked hopefully.

"Fine." she replied.

"You know how when you're pregnant," he started. "And people say you're 'glowing with beauty'? What does that mean? It's an internal Lumos charm, isn't it?"

"What? Why do you want to know?" she asked, confused.

"Just answer it."

"Ok… well, I presume it's because of the great happiness they are feeling. They are so full of joy and life that it shows on their body. It must be a wonderful feeling! I mean, how could you not glow when you are going to bring a new, beautiful _baby _into the world?" she gushed and looked over at George. His eyes lit up.

"So it _is_ an internal Lumos charm?" he asked. Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Yes. Yes it is." She replied sarcastically. He and Fred started giggling and ran over each other to get up the stairs to the boys' dormitories.

"Wait!" Hermione called. "What's an _internal _Lumos charm?"

**You likey likey? Expect the next chapter next week or the week after. School really brings you down, doesn't it? I have been trying to avoid Microsoft Word or any writing software because I get sudden urges to write fanfiction and completely ignore all my other work. Ah, well. Au revoir, mes copains!**

**Lily**


	7. Part II: Execution

** Oh Merlin. I am sorry for updating _3 weeks _after I said I would, but school has left me no choice. Anyway, today is an update for this story and a surprise update for "Curiosity Killed His Innocence: Purrs of Desire" if you decided to check that story out as well. Might I ask politely that you read it?**

_At__Christmas__dinner,__make__an__announcement__saying__Fred__is__pregnant__… __and__George__is__the__father._**(Part****II:****Execution)**

"GEORGE! Where is my maternity cloak? I can't leave the school without my maternity cloak!" Fred's cries filled the entire Gryffindor house. It was finally the day that every student around the world waits patiently for; it was time to board the train and go home for the winter holidays.

Fred came down the stairs wearing his maternity cloak. It was bright blue with red flowers highlighting the suspiciously lumpy bump that rested on his stomach. George had asked Hermione very politely while she was knitting hats for S.P.U.N.K or whatever, and after hitting him repeatedly on the head with her needles she agreed to make him a pregnant belly.

George came down after him, holding all the bags. He was wearing a mustache that Hermione made him out of Crookshanks' fur. It was big, red, and itchy. Very itchy.

"Alright, Fred?" he asked as he set the bags down.

"Don't even talk to me! I saw you looking at that other twin in Zonko's! Stop denying it! WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE?" Fred bellowed. George snorted, but he easily turned it into a cough. Fred had read that pregnant women have mood swings and fierce tempers and they often lash out at people near them.

Everyone in the common room turned their head to look at the strange twins. Though Fred had only been "pregnant" for a month, he had the belly of a woman who was nine months pregnant with twins. At first, the teachers and students didn't care about his "condition". Odd as it was, the twins had done much stranger in the past.

However, as the month went on and Fred's stomach quadrupled in size, rumors began to spread. They started out innocent; Fred was taking a new medicine that made him gain weight, Fred found out that he _really, really_ liked Dobby's treacle tart recipe, stuff like that. Then, they became more like "Fred is actually a girl and he (she) has been secretly in love with George his (her) entire life". McGonagall had actually threatened to write to Mrs. Weasley if the twins didn't explain "the abnormal lump that has settled onto Mr. Weasley's stomach".

This was going to be an interesting winter break.

_At the train station…_

"Ronnie! My, look how you've grown!"

"Harry, my boy! Good to see you!"

"Hermione, you're looking lovely. Is that a new hat?"

"Ginny, dear, give me a kiss!"

"George! Fred! _George? FRED?_" Mrs. Weasley did a double take at the twins. So McGonagall hadn't been lying when she said "an idiosyncratic bump" had made its way onto Fred's stomach and he refused to explain it. _Maybe they're just doing it for attention, _she thought. _Please, please be doing it for attention. _

_Christmas Dinner…_

Fred's belly remained an untouched subject in the Burrow. Somehow, it had been overshadowed by Mrs. Weasley's amazing cooking and the feeling of togetherness. She was beginning to think it might be a normal Christmas dinner after all…

"Excuse me, family, I have an announcement to make." Too late.

"It may seem strange to you, but I am not always an angel. At school, some people might consider me to be 'a malicious devil' or 'that bloody twin who breaks stuff'. I only wish Percy could be here to hear the wonderful news I am going to bestow upon you now. It might just be the best thing you will ever listen to. Your socks might disappear. This news, my news, _our _news…" Fred started, but he was interrupted by Ron.

"Oh just get on with it, would you?" he said.

"Fine then. George and I would like to tell the entire family, sans Percy, that…" he said, but he was interrupted yet again by Mrs. Weasley. She was eager to delay whatever Fred had to say.

"Fred, dear, you seem to be taking an awful long time. Why don't we let Fleur go first?" she asked nervously. Molly Weasley was not a good liar.

"Of course, Mum, Fleur can go first if she wishes," he said. He might have winked at her, but she could not be sure.

"Merci, Mother. Merci, Fred. I would just like to say zat zis family means everything to me," she started. "And I 'ope zis announcement makes you very, very 'appy."

"Let me guess, are you pregnant?" asked Ron sarcastically. Fleur burst into tears and every female in the room turned and glared at him.

"You couldn't wait two seconds for her to tell us herself?" asked Ginny.

"How could you know she was going to tell us she was pregnant? You never, _ever_, assume a woman is pregnant if you ever want to have kids yourself, if you know what I mean." Molly advised.

"Sorry," Ron offered. Fleur huffed, but gave him a slight smile.

"On that note, may I share my news?" asked Fred.

"Why don't we let Tonks go? She looks like she will explode if she doesn't share!" exclaimed Molly. Fred shrugged.

"Thank you, Mrs. Weasley. I guess my news won't be as exciting as Fleur and Bill's, but…" she started.

"Don't tell me you're pregnant, too!" asked Ron mockingly. He ducked as slices of ham and other various foods were launched at his head.

"Don't you ever learn, Ron?" asked his mother. Ron shook his head.

"Please, Mum, may I?" begged Fred. Molly sighed. "YES! Ok, as I was saying, George and I have made a miracle," he said.

"At least YOU can't get pregnant, right? I'm right, right?" asked Ron, looking genuinely worried. Fred shot him the dirtiest look he could muster up. If looks could kill, Ron would be six feet under the ground right now.

"Fred, George, are you trying to tell us you got someone pregnant?" asked Arthur.

"Don't you get it? _I'm _pregnant!" Fred exclaimed.

Suddenly, the front door burst open.

"Hello, mother and father," said Percy Weasley. "What did I miss?"

"Nothing much," said George.

"Fleur, Tonks, and Fred are pregnant," said Ginny at the same time.

"Well, congratulations, Fleur. Congratulations, Tonks. Congratulations, Fred- wait, what? Ginny, what did you say?" he asked, sounding rightfully confused. Fred and George sat there smiling at him, waiting for him to figure out what was happening. They could see the realization in his eyes as he understood. He finally got why he kept hearing strange stories at the Ministry about two pranksters at Hogwarts who spoke vulgarly to Professor Snape and carried around a box of singing gnomes. He finally got why Fred had a lumpy belly and strange, luminescent skin.

"I hope you don't mind me asking this," Harry started. "But who is the father?"

"George, of course. Unless you would like to take a paternity test," Fred suggestively raised his eyebrows.

"Fred! Two males cannot have a child. We've been over this!" Percy said.

"Percy! You are a twat. We've been over this!" he replied.

"Watch your language," threatened Molly.

"Sorry Mum, but he is threatening my baby!" said Fred.

"If you don't take that thing out right now and hand it over to me, I am confiscating your wands for the rest of the break," she said.

Grudgingly, Fred took Hermione's sack of cloth out from under his shirt and gave it to his mother. He and George excused themselves from the table to mourn the loss of their child.

Ginny whispered in Percy's ear.

"Honestly, sometimes I'm surprised they're even related to you. Can you imagine yourself coming up with something like that?" she asked. He mumbled something that sounded like "I don't need to imagine".

"So, Mr. Weasley, how are things at the Ministry?" asked Harry.

"Oh, the usual. Exploding toilets, possessed phone lines, you know," he answered. The conversation went on like that for the rest of dinner. When Fred and George came back, everyone held in their giggles and continued their normal talk. Later that night, Percy was pacing in his bedroom. He was debating whether or not he should confront the twins. If he did, he would be held responsible for everything they did from that list. He just decided he would let them do what they wanted for once.

"What's the worst that could happen?"

**Entertaining? Strange? Vomit-inducing? I'm guessing a combination of all three. I have been swamped with schoolwork, but I update because I love you guys. I was originally going to stop at the part where Percy comes in, but I had time to waste and so I wrote the rest. **

**You guys are going to think I am so weird for this, but I posted a picture of George's mustache on my profile. Just imagine him wearing that all throughout this entire chapter while you review.**

**Lily**


	8. Of Universal Insignificance

**Hey, remember me? I've had a ton of work (no, you haven't) and I just couldn't find the time to write (yes, you have). By now, I know a lot of you have probably lost interest in the story. Stick with me though, I trying to update more often. It's my New Year resolution.**

_Mix a love potion that will make Ron fall in love with Harry into his pumpkin juice and then make Hermione baby-sit them._

"Oi, Susanna, wait up!" shouted George over the heads of scattering students. She turned her head and raised her eyebrow. _Good Godric, she's already suspicious, _he thought.

She pointed at George, and then at an empty hallway. He nodded. Pushing and shoving his way through a gaggle of first years, George thought about his insignificance in universal matters. If, at that very moment, a meteor were to come crashing into the castle, George's lifetime of mirth and prankery wouldn't be remembered for long. Sure, tales of his (mis)adventures would be passed along within the Weasley clan, but say, in Germany, they wouldn't celebrate April 1st as George Weasley Day. If he was such an incredibly miniscule part of both the Wizarding and Muggle worlds, then _why _should _he _be the one to talk to Susanna?

_Boys' Dormitories, Five Hours Ago…_

"You blinked!"

"You cheated! You're a bloody cheater!"

"Be that as it may, you still blinked."

"Cheating is a foul! That's a blink, George, and you know it!"

George sighed. They really needed to think of a better way to settle things, because staring contests were getting quite stressful.

"But _Freddie_," he whined.

"But nothing. The fate of this prank is in your hands, Georgie," replied Fred.

Susanna Wilkins, 6th year Potions extraordinaire, runs the "Hogwarts Black Market", as Fred liked to call it. She made all kinds of potions for the depraved, the likes of which included Amortentia and Felix Felicis. Her brews were fantastic, and they were at a price that any Hogwarts miscreant or romantic could afford. The only catch was that she was an incredibly tough person to talk to, for she could make you tell her your deepest, darkest secret so she would have something to blackmail you with should you not pay her back in time. A meeting with Susanna was the twins' least favorite part of a major prank, but it was necessary if there was a potion that was too complicated or that took too long to make. Nevertheless, George wasn't looking forward to it.

_Empty Hallway, Present…_

"What'll ya be needin' this time, boy?" questioned Susanna, looking George right in the eye. He cowered.

"Er, well, nothing too complicated…" he mumbled.

"Speak up! I don't like mumblers!"

"Just some Eius Sempera, please, if you don't mind," he said more clearly. Susanna narrowed her eyes.

"I don't normally ask questions, but what're ya plannin' on doin'? she asked.

"Oh, you know us. Pranks, pranks, pranks. That's all we do," he said.

"What did I say 'bout mumblers? And stand up straight! Slouchers are cowards!" she barked.

"Yes, mum- err, ma'am- I mean, Susanna," stammered George. What was it about her that was so intimidating?

"I need details, Mr. Bed-Wetter. Or was that your brother? I always get you two mixed up," she said. George squeaked. Great Grumblin, this woman had the memory of an elephant!

"We got the idea from a list we stole from Percy. Is that good enough?"

"Perfect. 'Ere, take this and go. Good luck," she said, smiling.

_Gryffindor Table, Lunch the Next Day…_

"I can't believe it's already Saturday! This week went by so quickly. Oh, honestly Ronald, stop stuffing your face. It's only breakfast," chided Hermione.

"I 'an't shtop, I 'aven't eaffen all night!" he reminded her. Swallowing, he took a big swig from his glass of pumpkin juice. He pursed his lips.

"Bleh, that was disgusting!" he gagged. Turning to Harry, he said "Can pumpkin juice go bad?"

"I don't know, maybe… why are you looking at me like that? Ron? _Ron_? AAAAAAH!" he cried out as Ron jumped on him.

"I love you, Harry! I love you so much; I can't believe I haven't realized until now! You are my entire life. MARRY ME!" he bellowed. The sound echoed throughout the Great Hall.

"Hermione, help me! Oh Godric, please someone help me!" Harry shouted under the full weight of his best friend.

"Ron, stop it! You're making a scene!" she said, trying to pry him off of Harry.

"I can't help it, Hermione! My heart is burning with a fire that only Harry can quench!" At this, Hermione grabbed Ron by the back of his shirt and lifted him up. Harry curled up in a fetal position and mumbled about "violation" and "always happens to him".

"NO, YOU MUST LET OUR LOVE BE! NO! GINNY, TELL HARRY I LOVE HIM! HARRY!" Ron screamed as Hermione dragged him back to the Gryffindor common room. Harry shuddered.

_Gryffindor Common Room, A Few Hours Later…_

"I can't believe someone would put that in Ronald's juice! Nothing is safe anymore!" said Hermione as she recanted the events of that mornings' breakfast to George. He had, of course, seen it all as it happened.

"How's Harry?" he asked.

"Oh, fine. He won't come out of his bed, and he keeps mumbling to himself and shuddering. I think he's being quite a drama queen," she said as she climbed the stairs to the girls' dormitories.

"Hmm. Oi, Hermione. Tell Ron to be careful and to stay away from closets," he said. He waved goodbye as he stepped out the portrait hole, leaving Hermione at the top of the stairs.

"Closets?"

**It's short, I know. I'm going to try to update again really soon, maybe even in the next two weeks. Until then, stay safe, stay warm, and keep reading. Love you guys!**

**Lily**


	9. My Declaration of Failure

**Dear loyal readers and newcomers,**

** I am so absolutely sorry for not updating in the past months and then giving you this instead of a chapter. You all deserve much better than this. I know most of you have lost interest in the story, and I cannot blame you at all for that. I have gotten many a private message asking me if I am continuing, why I gave up, etc., and even though I replied saying that new chapters would be coming out soon, I never delivered. **

** Anyways, here is what I can do for you. I really have no ideas for what to do next, so I am leaving it in your hands. Choose a rule you want to write about and send me a private message. The first person to choose a rule gets it. I will edit your chapter and obviously give you credit (name and profile link in the chapter). **

**Here are the rules that remain:**

_Lock Ron in a closet and make a house-elf from the kitchens replace him in all his classes._

_Give Dobby a sock and tell him that Professor Snape has the other one._

_Charm Harry's glasses to make it seem like he is always sleeping._

_Curse Ginny's boyfriend to so he bursts out in that embarrassing new dance called "the rabid house-elf"._

_Place a charm on the back of Malfoy's quidditch robes so that to everyone but him they say__**Malfoy: Seeker/ Amazing Bouncing Ferret**__._

_Give Professor Snape a haircut while he's sleeping._

_Tell the first years that Professor Dumbledore used to be a member of the Weird Sisters._

_Write Gred and Forge on all of your papers._

_Tell Professor Dumbledore that you find long beards extremely erotic and then proceed to stroke it._

_Give a house-elf blond hair and tell everyone the Malfoy's had another kid… and he looks just like his brother._

_Whenever someone asks you where something is, tell them that it is "up their arse and around the corner"._

_Let your entire stock of pygmy puffs loose in Professor Snape's private quarters._

_Push Malfoy into the lake and say the Giant Squid needed a friend._

_Interrupt Professor McGonagall in class and suggestively ask if she and Professor Dumbledore have anything "going on"._

**Good idea? Yes? No? Maybe so? I just felt so horrible that I couldn't think of anything good enough for you guys to read, so here is a way for you to get new chapters and add stuff that I maybe would have missed.**

**Send me a PRIVATE MESSAGE with the rule you want to do. I won't reply to reviews in comments regarding this.**

**Let's see how this works out, shall we? Let the creativity… COMMENCE.**

**RainbowRepublic**

**PS: Lucy, if you read this, please pick a rule. I trust your writing.**


	10. They Really Are

**Just a short chapter. I still need more people to pick rules, come on, guys!**

**Fred and George-**

** I didn't tell no one about the "inspiration" for your latest prank marathon. Someone told me that their cousin found out from a friend that Percy at the Ministry got wind of what you've been doing and he's as pissed as a drunk in a liquor convention. Best be working on a reply to that howler that's coming your way.**

** Regards, Susanna**

_Mr. Fred and George Weasley,_

_ While it is beyond me to comprehend what could possible compel you to put so much time and energy into such horrible pranks, I must ask for it to cease at once. I am certain that a promotion is on its way to my glorious, mahogany office desk, and the only thing that could possibly be holding it up are the rumors around the water cauldron about the rogue Weasley pranksters terrorizing Hogwarts. Please, boys, I have a reputation to uphold._

_ Percy Weasley, Ass. to MOM_

Brother,

We haven't a clue what you are going on about. Don't you have better things to do that gossip around the water cauldron? And to think you would believe such rumors- we can't even go on. Also, it's all well and good that you realized what an ass you are to Mum, but must you really sign your letters like that?

Fred and George, Asses to Everyone

Harry "Lovenuggets" Potter,

I'm thinking about how you always take exactly three sips of pumpkin juice and four bites of food before you gently wipe your mouth with your napkin. I'm thinking about how sometimes when you're sad you crease your eyebrow and look up like you're trying to look at your forehead.

XXOOXXOOXXOOXXXXXXXX, YOUR ADMIRER

_Fred and George Weasley,_

_ Are you telling me that, for once in your lives, the rumors about you pulling pranks aren't true? Has Hell frozen over? _

_ Percy Weasley, ASSISTANT to MINISTER OF MAGIC_

Percy,

Of course we're not saying that. Hell is still burning, Professor Binns is still in denial, the Fat Lady still binge eats, Snape hasn't washed his hair, and you are still a gullible prick.

Fred and George

Fred and George-

Have you got any idea why Harry refuses to come out of his room? He's telling me to test his food for potions before he eats it, but he will tell neither me nor Ronald why. You didn't do anything, did you? 

-Hermione Granger

Susanna,

We're not going to follow the list in order anymore. Percy will find out eventually. It might take a while, seeing as he is quite slow, but it is bound to happen.

Fred and George

**I know, it's really short, and I apologize. Here are the rules that are still left for anyone to pick.**

_Lock Ron in a closet and make a house-elf from the kitchens replace him in all his classes._

_Give Dobby a sock and tell him that Professor Snape has the other one. _TAKEN BY THE BUSHY HAIRED KNOW-IT-ALL (I love your name!)

_Charm Harry's glasses to make it seem like he is always sleeping._

_Curse Ginny's boyfriend to so he bursts out in that embarrassing new dance called "the rabid house-elf"._

_Place a charm on the back of Malfoy's quidditch robes so that to everyone but him they say__**Malfoy: Seeker/ Amazing Bouncing Ferret**__. __TAKEN BY THE 5 LS_

_Give Professor Snape a haircut while he's sleeping._

_Tell the first years that Professor Dumbledore used to be a member of the Weird Sisters._

_Write Gred and Forge on all of your papers. __TAKEN BY LUCYJOAN_

_Tell Professor Dumbledore that you find long beards extremely erotic and then proceed to stroke it._

_Give a house-elf blond hair and tell everyone the Malfoy's had another kid… and he looks just like his brother._

_Whenever someone asks you where something is, tell them that it is "up their arse and around the corner"._

_Let your entire stock of pygmy puffs loose in Professor Snape's private quarters._

_Push Malfoy into the lake and say the Giant Squid needed a friend._

_Interrupt Professor McGonagall in class and suggestively ask if she and Professor Dumbledore have anything "going on"._

**Pick a rule, private message me telling me which one you picked, I'll tell you whether it's still available, you write it, I give you ALL THE CREDIT (username, link to profile, and many, many thanks). It's as easy as that! See you guys next time and thanks for all the love!**

**RainbowRepublic**


	11. Lucyjoan's Chapter

**Alright, guys, this is my first chapter that wasn't written by me. It was written instead by my dear friend, the beautiful and far more capable author lucyjoan. Thank you, thank you, and thank you! **

**Author: lucyjoan**

**Link to Profile: ** u/3446692/lucyjoan

"What now?" Fred asked.  
>His twin scanned the now slightly crumpled parchment. <em>Whenever someone asks you where something is, tell them that it is "up their arse and around the corner."<em>  
>Identical slow smiles spread across the twins' matching faces. In a moment, they were cackling loudly.<p>

"How does Percy come up with this stuff?" Fred wheezed.  
>"I guess there's more to Percy than meets the eye!" choked George.<p>

They laughed a bit longer, and finally gathered themselves.

"Ready?" asked Fred.  
>"Only if you are," replied George. He offered his elbow to his twin, and, arm in arm, they descended the stairs to the Common Room, not envying anyone unfortunate enough to ask the magic question.<p>

…

The two brothers descended the stairs, casting wicked grins at anyone who dared look at them. For most, this was a good enough reason to avoid the pair of mischief-makers, but Ron Weasley was not most people. He'd grown up surrounded by twin grins and so did not think to hesitate upon sighting his brothers.

"Oi-Fred, George!" he called out, waving them over. The twins barely broke step, turning to approach the taller redhead.

"Yes?" one of them asked.

Ron glanced around him, despondent. "I can't find my broomstick polish."

The twins could barely believe their luck. They waited with bated breath, hoping he would ask the question.

"I was wondering if maybe you guys took it for a prank."

Fred sighed. Maybe this wasn't going to work out after all. "No," he said.

"Oh," Ron said. "Well, do you possibly know where it is?"

The grins were back in an instant. "Why of course!" said Fred.

"We do indeed," George added.

"I do so believe-" Fred began.

"That it is up your arse-" George continued.

"And around the corner!" They finished together, cackling. The two walked off, leaving a very bemused Ron in their wake.

…

As it turns out, people are not prone to asking Fred or George anything, so not many people suffered from the prank, except for a few of their friends.

"Hey, George, Fred!" Lee called out, catching his friends as they exited the Great Hall after breakfast. "Do you know where the last batch of Skiving Snackboxes is?"

The correct answer was lying on George's bedside table.

"Well," said George. "I'm pretty sure they're up your arse and around the corner."

Lee stared at him for a moment, eyebrows raised, and then walked off, shaking his head.

…

The rest of the day was almost entirely filled with lighthearted laughter and harmless jokes.

The rest of the school seemed to catch on pretty quickly, although for some reason they hadn't discovered the exact phrase that seemed to set off the twins, and so the two redheaded pranksters found themselves being avoided by the general Hogwarts population.

"Hey guys," said Angelina as she crossed the common room to where they were sitting.

Fred sat up, at attention. It was no secret he liked this girl.

"Do you guys know what's going on?" she continued. "Why everyone is avoiding you guys?"

Fred shrugged, and, hidden from her eyesight, George grinned.

"No clue."

Angelina let it pass, leaning back into the cushion. Finally she spoke again.

"D'you know where Oliver is? I want to get some Quidditch practice in."

Fred and George exchanged a heated but silent debate over Angelina's dark hair.

Finally Fred sighed.

"Yeah, I think I saw him a while ago. He's...up your arse and around the corner."

She didn't slap him hard enough to ensure the Hospital Wing, granted, but she did slap him hard enough that George had to practically carry him to their room, laughing all the way.

**I think she did a wonderfully amazing job, even better than I could have done with this chapter. If you want a treat, **_**go check out her stories**_**. I can promise you won't be disappointed.**

**If you want to write a chapter, PM me and I'll send you a list of the ones that are still available.**


	12. Greendiamond123's Chapter

**Hey guys, another chapter here! This was written by my new friend greendiamond123. She's Dutch and English is her second language, but if the chapter she wrote in English was this great, then I can only imagine how great her Dutch stories must be! If you can read Dutch, check her out!**

**Profile link: ** u/3962780/

_Lock Ron in a closet and make a house-elf from the kitchens replace him in all his classes._

Fred and George walked hand in hand through the corridors, holding the precious list with tight fingers.

"What's next on the list?" George asked as Fred looked.

"Lock Ron in a closet and make a house-elf from the kitchens replace him in all his classes," he says. George smiled.

"This is going to be great. Let's go to the kitchens!"

The boys tickled the pear, revealing a door that allowed them entrance into the Hogwarts kitchens. As soon as they arrived, the ever-helpful house-elves stopped their work and came to them, asking whether they would like dinner, or breakfast, or a snack, or a back massage. Fred and George looked around, searching for the perfect Ron-elf.

"Take that ugly one," George whispered to Fred, pointing at a rather unfortunate looking elf with eyes the size of quaffles and a nose to rival the liar Pinocchio's. Fred guffawed, but he should his head.

"No, we have to take one that at least somewhat resembles him. I think he should be a bit uglier. Just a smidgen," he whispered back.

"No, you're right. Look! I want that one!" George answered, pointing to a lanky elf in the back of the room. Fred laughed and said, "That one should be perfect. Come, let's teach him the way of the Ron."

"Shouldn't be so hard. Eat, sleep, drool over Hermione. What else does ickle Ronnie-kins do?" George answered, but Fred never responded.

_Later, in the Boys' Dormitory…_

"Perfect." George said in awe of his magnificent work of art.

"Sure," Fred snorts. In front of them stood Bogey the house-elf, all dressed up in his Sunday best. Just kidding. He looked absolutely ridiculous in his blazing red ginger wig and his oversized Hogwarts uniform.

"Wait, Fred," George said. "We can't let anyone see him until tomorrow. We have to hide him, but where?" Fred thought about it for a while.

"How about in the closet where Ron will go tomorrow?"

"Good idea." They sent Bogey the house-elf into the closet in the common room with some yarn to keep him company and went back to their dorm room. There, they found Lee Jordan suspiciously eying them.

"Where did you guys go?" he asked. The twins raise their shoulders, but Lee was still waiting for an answer. "Well? Why don't you tell me what's going on here?" he asked his best friends.

"Because we can't, Mother," Fred said.

"We're planning a prank, and we'll tell you if you promise not to tell anyone!" George exclaimed at the same time.

_A long time later…._

"So this is a prank?" Lee asked again. "You want to put Ron in a closet for a whole day, and that's all?"

"Yes," George said, as they didn't tell him about the house-elf. They know they can trust Lee, but even he couldn't find out about the list. Besides, what was the fun in ruining a prank?

"You can help us," Fred said. "Can you lead Ron to the closet tomorrow morning? He doesn't trust us anymore after that 'up in your arse and around the corner' thing".

"Neither do I, really. I don't think anyone trusts you. You just have this mutual trust thing going on between yourselves, and… " Lee rambled.

"Right, mate. I think you should go to bed now."

_The next morning…_

"Fre-ed" George whispered in a sing-songy voice, trying to wake-up his twin brother. Fred grumbled something and turned his back to George; George grabbed a glass of water and emptied it over Fred. Fred shot up and glared at George.

"It's early in the morning, sleep time." he said. George rolled his eyes.

"Get up, Drulgg the Tired. We have quite a day ahead of us."

They walked downstairs to the common room and opened the door of the closet, letting the house-elf out. Overnight, Bogey had crocheted a sweater about twenty sizes too big for bother Fred and George together, but they took it appreciatively.

"It's almost show time, Bogey," Fred said, starting to pep talk the elf.

"Ron's first class is Potions. Do you want to go get ready for that?" George asked. Bogey nodded and then disappeared, and Fred and George went up back to their dorm to wake up Lee.

_One cup of water and seven naughty words later…_

"Oi, Ron," Lee yelled at the younger brother of Fred and George. Ron opened his eyes and looked sleepily at Lee.

"Whazzup? 'ermione?" he asked.

"What? No! Come on, I have a surprise," Lee said back. Now Ron was clearly wake, and he came out of his bed and followed Lee into the common room.

"It's in that closet," Lee said, and Ron, still a little tired from his early awakening, walked into the closet. From behind him, Fred and George came closer.

"What's it? There's nothing but a con- HEY! OI YOU BLOODY," Ron shrieked, but he was cut off by the closing of the heavy wooden door.

"Nice work, Lee," George said, and their friend smiled. Fred looked to the magical clock at the exit of the Gryffindor common room.

"It's almost breakfast!" he exclaimed, ignoring the muffled curses coming from the closet. Slowly, the three of them walked to the Great Hall.

_Breakfast…_

"Fred, George, Lee, have you seen Ron?" Harry asked, and the boys shook their heads.

"He's usually stuffing his face by now. You sure he didn't sleep in?" Fred asked mildly curiously.

"Yeah, he wasn't in his bed, and he never wakes up this early!" Harry answered. The doors to the Great Hall opened and Hermione walked toward them.

"He isn't in the Library," she told Harry.

"Don't worry about it, he will come back soon. Maybe Malfoy did something?" Lee suggested. Harry and Hermione shrug and sit down at the table next to them to eat.

_Potions…_

"Ron is still not here! I'm worried, Harry!" Hermione whispered as Snape opened the door.

"Absent, Mr Weasley? Five points from Gryffindor," the Potions Master said snarkily. Just then, the door burst open. A tall, lanky, red-headed, big-eyed house-elf appeared at the frame.

"I-I'm here, Professor Snape…" he said shakily.

"And who might you be?"

"Ro-Ronald Weasley, sir." The class erupted in laughter.

"FOR MERLIN'S SAKE, WEASLEY! I will not be humiliated by your monstrous brood of a family any longer! It doesn't matter that my numerous attempts at having you and your irritatingly persistent demon brothers expelled have all resulted in failure! Come with me!" He took the petrified elf by the sleeve and dragged him from the dungeon, muttering under his breath about underpaid professors and lenient headmasters.

At the end of the day, Harry and Hermione finally reach the common room seeking Ron.

"Where is he?" Harry asked Fred and George. They smiled and point at the closet. When Hermione opened the door, Ron leapt out of the closet in his Chudley Cannon boxers and into the arms of a screaming Hermione.

"They did it!" Ron said, pointing at the twins. "They threw me in the bloody closet for the entire bleeding day!" he yells. The twins giggled and attempted to silently leave the room. Fred tripped over a book, which caught the attention of Ron.

"You… YOU!" he shrieked. Fred screamed like a girl and ran from the Common Room, a boxer-clad Ron chasing after him.

**There you go! I edited it, so any mistakes left in there are my bad. Great job, Green! Here's her profile link one more time:**

u/3962780/

**The next chapter is going to be by Nick Cronwell!**


	13. Nick Cronwell's Chapter

**Hey guys. It's definitely been way too long since I updated this story. This chapter was written by the hilarious and incredibly patient Nick Cronwell, who is absolutely amazing for putting up with my ridiculous non-schedule. **

**His page: **** u/3325677/**

_Push Malfoy into the lake and say the Giant Squid needed a friend._

"That's another rule down," said Fred, crossing off another adventure from the list.

"What's next?" asked his scarlet-haired brother, eagerly awaiting his twin's choice.

"The next thing would be… shoving Malfoy in the lake? That seems much too dull, though, just tossing him in." Fred pointed out. George nodded eagerly, a plan already brewing in his head.

"I like how you think…"

…

Malfoy snapped awake with a shudder. He had a nightmare last night, and he was tired from the restless slumber. Opening his eyes, he was first very confused by his surroundings, and then extremely frightened. Then, he let a shriek that most would confuse with a Muggle girl in a horror movie. Arm flailing, Malfoy was dangling over the Black Lake by his silk underwear.

_Only by his underwear. _

He felt something sticky on his chest and looked to down to see someone had written "Fred and George RULE!" in bright red paint, which contrasted heavily with his pallid skin tone. He looked up furiously to see two grinning Weasley twins smirking at him. Fred was holding Malfoy only by a fishing rod and both boys were sitting on their broomsticks, occasionally waving to the ecstatic crowd.

"LET ME GO!" screamed the Slytherin, his voice cracking.

"That's a really poor choice of words," said George, laughing as he raised a shiny pain of silver scissors high in the air. Below, spectators watched as it caught the sunlight.

"You wouldn't!" challenged Malfoy, his grey eyes shining with anger. With a snip, thin thread holding Malfoy was cut.

"MY FATHER WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS!" screamed Draco as he fell from the air and plunged magnificently into the lake with a mighty splash.

"I'd give that a 9.5" announced Fred, causing the crowd to giggle.

"Nah, an 8 because he's an inbred git," declared George, earning a hearty laugh from the audience.

…

Lee Jordan had taken brilliant photos of Malfoy landing in the lake, the annoyed giant squid throwing him out, and then him running to the castle, wet and furious. T-shirts, magical posters and other products commemorating the event were created as a result. Even Hermione bought a shirt, though she claimed it to be for a friend.

Professor McGonagall, for some reason, ignored Malfoy's demands to send the twins to Azkaban, and punished Malfoy instead, as nudity was strongly disapproved of in the rules.

…

"I'd have to say that was a success," said Fred.

"Absolutely. Did you see how his knickers came off, and the squid had to throw them back after him?"

"Lee took a picture of that, yeah? Didn't Hermione buy the t-shirt?" The twins broke out in laughter.

"We should send Percy-kinz a letter to thank him for these ideas."

"Hell yeah. Wait- what's next on the list?" The twins scanned the list for something that looked fun. George pointed to something, and Fred smiled. They quickly put the list away and began planning for the next prank.

**I hope you liked the chapter! Nick is currently writing another Harry Potter story, ****"The Saga of Nick Eldridge." ****Go check it out – you won't be disappointed. **

**Here's the link to his story:**

** s/8850612/1/The-Saga-of-Nick-Eldridge**

**Until next time,**

**RainbowRepublic**


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